How to go viral

A virus, yesterday

If you’re on X, say #justasking, slag off the woke.
If you’re on Facebook, slop AI-‘crafted’ jokes.
If you’re on Substack, slyly critique other writers.
On Bluesky, do your liberal handwringing tighter.
If you’re on Instagram, filter that selfie, rinse, repeat.
On Snap, you must always be disappearing, upbeat.
On Pinterest, curate stolen JPGs to gaudy excess.
On YouTube, make 6-second clips for the obsessed.
On TikTok, be face on and speakreallyreallyfast.
On Threads, share thirst traps for those at half-mast.
On LinkedIn, hustlebro life lessons and workplace tips.
On WhatsApp, share random lies and memes full of shit.
On Reddit, find your sub, post ahoy then dominate.
If the above means nowt to you: congrats, you are sane.
The real secret? For more eyeballs, you will have to pay.